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Diaryland
Kids of my own 2003-10-21 @ 8:19 p.m.
My human development class has been very laid back and enjoyable as of late, as we've mostly been watching videos about child development. The series we're watching is really excellent; I believe its called "Love's Labors: Childhood". Our whole class gets really wrapped up in watching these documentaries, and we laugh, ah, and gasp in unison as we watch the different kids going through stuff. Children always make me smile, and they have to really being trying hard to get on my nerves. Honestly, I can't understand why anyone could hate being around kids. To me, all the wondrous aspects of their nature far outweigh the inconveniences they might cause.
As I was watching these beautiful children, I really got to thinking about how much I'd like to be a father myself someday. I started feeling this way many years ago, and I guess its slowly getting stronger as I grow older and more experienced. But every time this desire comes into my heart, it brings with it a lot of doubt and sadness. I wonder if I could be a good father - I worry I'd either do to much or too little for my children. I wonder how I might both protect them from the horrible things in this world and teach them the bravery and skills to confront that ugliness. I wonder whether I'd be a better father for a son or a daughter. And I wonder if as a gay man, I could be a good parent. Yeah, internalized homophobia strikes again I guess. But sometimes I feel like I'm not worthy, or not meant to have kids. There's a lot of people willing to die for the belief that I fuck kids up. And then there's a lot of average people, like my mom, who believe that a child needs both a mother and a father. Would I be an unfair parent by denying my son,or especially my daughter, the right to a mother? I wish I knew what to do...
"Details in the Fabric" - May 31, 2009
Not So Quick Questions - April 6, 2009
The Morning Stars - Lords of the 15 - April 9, 2009
Sincerity and Faith in Magic - April 10, 2009
Not So Quick Questions (2) - April 14, 2009
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