Bio
Latest
This Year
Last Year
Older
Music
Links
Profile
Notes
E-Mail
Diaryland
Back off Mom 2004-02-24 @ 3:25 p.m.
This week has been highly crappy thusfar. If I can make it through, it should be better this weekend. I'll get to travel around the Bay - see my parents, Lorrie, Nick, finally get the webpages done for Jessica that she asked me to do months ago. Mostly I'm looking forward to spending some one-on-one time with my dad; I specifically asked for it. And of course, mom's like "What's wrong?" God, I am so sick of that. I swear, no matter how hard I try, she worries about me. And if anything even goes remotely wrong in my life, it hurts her. It's not just unfair - its cruel. Because I do have a lot of pain in my life and that isn't going to change anytime soon. And the last thing I need is the additional knowledge that my suffering is twofold because its inflicted on someone else.
I mean honestly, what the hell is my mom going to do about it? Her getting all upset and feeling sorry for me doesn't make my problems go away. And then she wonders why I don't want to tell her when things are going bad in my life. I don't want to be coddled - its the last thing I need. It makes me weak. It made me weak. Sometimes, I wonder if I wouldn't have turned out different if she wasn't so touchy feely.
And I know that's ridiculous, because there are a lot of people in this world who's mom's ignored them, or were downright cruel to them. I should be thankful. But whether you want to call it an Oedipal complex or whatever, there is something so constricting about the relationship between a man and his mother. Its unfair to her too. She has to love me because I'm her son. Its wired in her maternal genes that even if I become a serial killer, she's still going to love me and feel bad about me. So the fact she loves me really doesn't say shit. And if I retreat into that love, its just an avoidance of the world. Like crawling back into the womb. Its incestous.
Crazy shit I'm writing right now, eh? Well, this is how people write when they feel like they are going crazy. And to top this all off, Baruch just walked over here and started watching me type. But he's a whole other story.
"Details in the Fabric" - May 31, 2009
Not So Quick Questions - April 6, 2009
The Morning Stars - Lords of the 15 - April 9, 2009
Sincerity and Faith in Magic - April 10, 2009
Not So Quick Questions (2) - April 14, 2009
|
CURRENT MOON moon phase |
