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Diaryland
Being gay (3) 2004-06-08 @ 12:22 p.m.
I don't know what the experience of lesbians and bisexual people is like, but one of the things that I've heard, read and remembered about gay youth is a feeling of being different. Not that all kids that get ostracized and made to feel different grow up to be gay, but its a familiar story. It has to start at a fairly young age, but after kids begin attending school. My mom tells me that she was amazed about how casual I was when it came for my first day of school. She got all worked up and worried I would have issues, but apparently, it was no big deal to me. My own memory is fuzzy on the topic - I remember the big forest green jump-bag I used and the shoebox that was taped together. I don't remember having the confidence my mom said I had. Perhaps it is because most of my childhood has been colored with extreme insecurity. I guess I always assumed that there was something wrong with me from the start and I started out with strikes against me. The idea that I was originally a normal, healthy and even happy kid, is counterintuitive for some reason.
As psychologists have noted, school opens up whole new avenues of experience and learning for kids that happen not only in the classroom, but outside of it as well. There are many more kids together in one place than before, and kids have to make sense and order out of this bewildering situation somehow. The schoolyard is often the place where we first learn both diplomacy and warfare. Kids group themselves together not only by age, but by similarity. They tend to prefer the people who keep them comfortable by reinforcing their own worldviews, or at least not challenging them to a serious degree. Of course, amonst all these alliances and congregations of children, there are leaders and followers. Kids aren't too strongly into investigating what they believe yet - at this point, they are trying to emulate adults and use play to interpret and make sense of the world. A big part of this involves becoming aware of differences and enforcing them.
Boys really seperate themselves out from girls at this time - they've got "cuddies", remember? We may not realize it, but kids are constantly being fed and eagerly listening to messages about what they are supposed to think and how they are supposed to act. Kids regard their parents, teachers and the television set as infallible - to suggest otherwise is too terrifying for them at this point, because they need a sense of security and trust in order to grow up healthy. But unconsciously, kids are filled with messages about what a good boy or a good girl is supposed to be like. Its not only in commercials and toys, but the thousand little idiosyncracies that parents do in front of kids without even realizing it. Little boys especially learn that there is a right and a wrong way to act.
Now, lets bring little gay boys into this playground. Both gay boys and straight boys figure out very quickly and intuitively that something is different here! These boys don't like to play the same games! They have talents for things that boys aren't usually good at! They're not very good at the things that boys are supposed to do well! What is going on here?
Elementary school kids are not philosophers, nor should they be expected to be so. They are not at the age where they are able to effectively question values, gender roles, etc. Little Bobby is not going to present a cogent argument to his friends that they should respect Timmy's differences and embrace him as part of a diverse society. No - Timmy is a threat to Bobby! Not in the sense that little gay boys or any other stigmatized kids are going around the playground beating up kids and stealing their lunch money (although, that sounds really funny... can you imagine gay bullys? "Give me your money kid - and change your wardrobe while you're at it!") Gay kids are perceived as threatening by straight kids because they challenge their ideas of what boys and girls are supposed to be like. Mom, dad, teacher and tv could be wrong? Too scary! Let's just pick on Timmy and teach him a lesson for trying to be different.
But even if they aren't picked on, I think gay kids sense they are different. They're not sure how... they can't quite put a finger on what it is... but they know they aren't like the other kids. There are a lot of ways for kids to deal with the feeling of being different. You can look at it as a sign of being better, a sign of being inferior, or even do a little of both.
I had been taught in Hebrew school, unconsciously if not directly, that everybody hated Jews because God favored us. Maybe that's what made me different? Nah... I didn't hold the view that I was ostracized just for being Jewish for long. Mostly, because I figured out that not only was it not an issue for most of the kids, but they couldn't even tell I was Jewish! Stupid Hebrew school teachers - here I am running around trying to figure out what everybody believes, and most kids hadn't even begun to consider religious issues at all! I don't know... maybe if I had lived outside of Long Beach, the other kids would have been more interested in religioun. Then again, that might not have necessarily been a good thing! Eh... I think its the cultural blessing and curse of the Jews that we always have to be thinking about big ideas and the big picture. Even the secular Jews are always trying to bring about Tikkun Olam, the healing of the world, even if they aren't consciously aware of it. Heck, Marx was a Jew by culture if not by faith. It's in our nature to be stubborn shit-disturbers!
Well, if it wasn't because I was Jewish... maybe it was because I was smart! My family and teachers were always telling me how smart I was. I had and still have this habit of charming adults. Not that it did me much good in those days - they stuck me in the GATE program for gifted kids, which basically means they punish you for being smart by giving you three times as much homework and allowing you the honor of being the guinea pig for some elementary teacher's grand schemes. But it did make sense, and my parents volunteered this idea as well. Mom and dad told me that the kids were jealous of me for being smart and that was why they gave me crap. They assured me that eventually these kids would be pumping my gas. I didn't want them to pump my gas though - I wanted them to be my friends! Adulthood was a long time away, and I didn't bear the other kids a lot of ill will anyway, at least not initially. But gradually, I came to accept this idea that I was hated for being smart. Since, as my dad used to say, I "couldn't keep my mouth shut", teachers and peers would always figure this out really quickly. I couldn't hide being smart if I wanted to, so I didn't really have a choice in trying to fit in.
But as much sense as that made, there was still something that wasn't accounted for. I was always very sentimental, creative and emotional. I liked soft music and trees, and I hated sports. Being Jewish or smart doesn't really account for my aversion to "boy" things or my like of "girly" things. Like Baruch says, gay boys aren't made of slugs and snails and puppy dog tails - we prefer unicorns. I was gay, even if I didn't realize it.
"Details in the Fabric" - May 31, 2009
Not So Quick Questions - April 6, 2009
The Morning Stars - Lords of the 15 - April 9, 2009
Sincerity and Faith in Magic - April 10, 2009
Not So Quick Questions (2) - April 14, 2009
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