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Diaryland
Being gay (4) 2004-07-02 @ 8:16 a.m.
Lately I've been thinking back and looking for little clues in my younger life as to my future sexual attractions. It's been amusing to realize how so many little idiosyncracies go together. When you're young, you feel attraction, but you don't recongnize it as being sexual. Before a guy is old enough to get an erection, he can still feel aroused in other ways. There were things I would see that would make my heart beat faster and make my nerves jingle. I'd feel an exciting feeling around my body and in the pit of my stomach without understanding why. There were certain images that I'd see, strangely enough, in action cartoons that would really turn me on. In particular (and wow, I kind of feel embarassed talking about this, so please don't come back to haunt me), transformation animation was really erotic to me. Things like Bruce Banner turning into the Hulk or werewolves or any number of those ninja turtle-style mutations involving that versatile substance known as "ooze" and some random animal - really hot to me for some reason.
Of course, at the time, I never even conceived of the idea that I was responding sexually to such things. As most kids are, I started out with pretty skewed ideas about sex. I assumed it had to be between a man and a woman for one. Also, call me a hopeless romantic, but I had trouble differentiating sex from love. I thought people only had sex because they loved each other, and they moaned because they liked each other so much. Hehehe... so naive. I don't know about the experience of others, but as a kid, I was pretty well hidden from the more animal aspects of sex. The chemical and physical nature of it never dawned on me, and as such when I felt that chemistry at work in me, and in response to masculinity no less, I didn't recognize it as such. My idea of attraction was that I would me a great girl and be filled with the desire to kiss her, get married, have babies and pick out curtains. I conceived of love as a sort of best-friendship.
I actually thought about love quite a bit as a kid. I was bombarded by the concept from an early age at all angles. Romance, it seemed, was the ultimate experience on earth - you could never really know happiness until you fell in love with a member of the other sex. Once you did, after an initial adjustment, every problem in your life would fade away and you'd live happily ever after. I often wondered about how it would turn out for me. What kind of girl would I fall in love with? What would she look like? Would she be very similar to me, or would opposites attract, like in that Paula Abdul song? What kind of things would we do together? How many kids would we have, and what would they be like? Most importantly, how would I know when I had found the right girl? Would it be intuitive, or would I have to decide for myself?
I remember that when I was in cub scouts, one of the tasks we received was to learn how to write in diary. When I made my first diary, I never conceived that it should be about who I was, what I experienced and how I felt so much as what I was expected to feel. Sad, huh? Even at that age, I felt like I had to conform. Before I wrote in my diary, I felt I had to find out what was proper to write about. I found out that one of the things people wrote about was crushes. I didn't have any of course, but I needed one. So I just wrote in my diary that I had a crush on Robin, my one friend at that time who was a girl. It seemed logical enough to me: Robin was a girl, I like playing with her and didn't think she had cuddies, so I must have a crush on her! Impressed with myself, I read it out loud to my mom. She was kind of confused by this action and told me the whole point of having a diary was to keep it private as a haven for your thoughts. I didn't understand - how were you supposed to have a good diary if it couldn't be judged good by other people's standards?
That diary did not last more than a few entries, as did every other diary attempt in my life up until this one, and later my meditation journal. I could never write more than a few entries because I never felt I had anything cool or exciting to say. That I can write a diary just about me, boring or exciting, happy or sad or otherwise, is a concept I am still coming to grips with.
"Details in the Fabric" - May 31, 2009
Not So Quick Questions - April 6, 2009
The Morning Stars - Lords of the 15 - April 9, 2009
Sincerity and Faith in Magic - April 10, 2009
Not So Quick Questions (2) - April 14, 2009
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