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Diaryland
Sublimation 2004-09-18 @ 9:23 a.m.
Back when I was in high school, I used the Internet much more than I do now. I would stay up late in the bonus room after everybody else had gone to bed doing my own thing on the net. It was wonderful, having this nice, quiet room all to myself, being able to find and share information on anything.
One of the sites I really enjoyed back then was a fun place called www.nifty.org. I like to think that is where I got my gay sex-ed. Granted, I did get a decent amount of sex education at school, certainly a much better amount than what some kids in the country are denied because of conservative politics. However, the "g" word was still never spoken, and I had to ask my questions privately after class. Now nifty, mind you, is hardly a sex-ed site. Its actually a huge archive of gay romantic and erotic stories. But in reading a lot of the stories (the better, more realistic ones anyway), I learned a surprising amount of tips and tricks, and dos and don'ts. So much so that when I had serious sex for the first time, the guy was surprised I had as little real experience as I did.
There was something wonderfully cathartic about reading the stories on nifty back then. Obviously, it relieved a lot of sexual tension I had - I was like a nuclear reactor in high school, constantly having hot guys waved in front of me but never being able to get close to them. But more than that, the better stories I read helped me to believe that two men really could love each other and live happily ever after. A lot of the stories dealt with very realistic issues as part of their plots. I could relate to a lot of them: family, children, fear of STDS, classmates, religion, etc. The best stories combined all of the aspects and featured surprisingly good writing and amazing sensuality. I remember at least once I read a story that was so good that I cried a little.
So after a year or two of being a regular nifty visitor, I decided to try writing my own romantic/erotic story. I had been told by teachers and classmates that I was a good writer, and given the chance to create my own kinds of characters and fantasies sounded really exciting. Nifty always has been a public site where anybody can submit and read stories for free. So I began writing a story about a school bully whose life begins to change when he meets a handsome and mysterious new guy at school. I called the story "sublimation", because that's what the characters in the story do until they begin to heal each other and become better people.
As soon as I began posting chapters of the story, I started to receive a bunch of really positive emails. I was really flattered that all these people I never knew would give me such compliments. I continued with the story for awhile, but the intervals between when I would post new chapters kept getting longer and longer. It is true that I was getting busier with school and other activities, but the truth is that I was also somewhat of a perfectionist. I was so worried about getting each chapter exactly right that I would take forever to do it. As the story went on, I felt the issues becoming more and more personal, and I wanted to address the stuff going on inside of me head on. But after awhile, I found I didn't know what to say. My main character, Andy, was dealing with questions and pain that I didn't have an answer for. Not knowing how to continue the story and resolve the issues I had raised. Despite the great feedback I continued to receive and the calls for more chapters, I stopped writing it, procrastinating until it was forgotten.
Today, I opened up my email and received a message that surprised me:
"hi, my name is afterglow. I know this sounds rediculous but are you the author of sublimation in nifty.org? I have been looking, and patiently hoping that i would read at least the next chapter or the last. And then i find out tht two years had passed and no word from the author of sublimation. So i keep lookin for the author of this awesome series and then i came up with your name in a mailing list in msn. Please reply as to whether you truly are the gifted writer. I'm sorry if i wasted any of your time. I'm just a writer too, gave up a few years ago. And now i just want to read a story tht would inspire me to go back in there again, to writing again. Thanks for your time and i wish you good luck."
It is time to go back and finish the story. Now that my own story is beginning to resolve itself, maybe I can do this one justice.
"Details in the Fabric" - May 31, 2009
Not So Quick Questions - April 6, 2009
The Morning Stars - Lords of the 15 - April 9, 2009
Sincerity and Faith in Magic - April 10, 2009
Not So Quick Questions (2) - April 14, 2009
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