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Diaryland
Sleeping and Awakening 2004-09-20 @ 1:18 p.m.
I had my first midterm in art history this afternoon, and it did not go very well. I had forgotten about it until last night when I was already falling asleep, although I do remember thinking of it last week and realizing that I would no doubt forget about it. I set the alarm for 8:30 this morning so I would have lots of study time, but after it went off I some how fell back asleep until 9:45. Pretty pathetic, isn't it? You all get up so early and work so hard at your jobs, and then I stay up till mindnight playing Final Fantasy and have trouble waking up eight hours later.
I am ashamed of myself, but I have always been a heavy sleeper. Some people, like my roommate John, only need five or six hours sleep. Whereas I, if left to my own devices, will sleep a good ten hours if not awakened. My freshman year I tried deliberately forcing myself to not sleep more than six hours a night, under the direction of Novus Spiritus bullshit, and ended up making myself neurotic. Still, I wish I could find some sort of balance. I have noticed on occasion that when I have some kind of goal to wake up that I am really jazed about, such as waking up early for a transcontinental flight or a special relgious service, I seem to have a lot of extra energy. Although, if memory serves, it catches up with me after the event is done. I wish I could be like those monks who wake up early every morning so they can watch the sunrise, pray and chant the psalms. I would be so proud of myself and so much more mentally healthy if I could do that on a regular basis.
I am looking forward to Hebrew class tonight, it having been a week and me actually beginning to encounter difficulties in the homework. I feel good that I am getting the forms down well enough to translate the psalms, but my vocab still needs a lot of input. I had all these new words down last week and then I opened up my textbook the other day and I had forgot four or five of them.
The Gnostic conference is this weekend, and the Good Lord has been on my mind constantly. As usual I have been wrestling with trying to understand things and figure out what I am supposed to be doing. Yet, in the midst of my very tiring mental arguments about theology and morality, I am beginning to germinate a little mustard seed of real, deep faith. I find now that I can go into meditation and actually LET GO (gasp!). I can put all my worries aside and shut my mind up real good without feeling guilty, irresponsible or vulnerable. And the peace I begin to feel when I do this is much more than the simple bodily relaxation that I used to think was the sum of meditation. I am beginning to feel a real peace of mind. It is so funny, because I have heard that expression a thousand times, but I never really took it seriously and really understood it until I began to experience it for myself. Same things with the words "consciousness" and "awareness" - they get tossed around in New Age settings so much that people don't realize how serious these things really are. I am finding out just how amazingly healing a clear mind and some deep breathing can be.
I have come to realize, as well, that I don't have to have a perfect ability to surrender and trust God at this point. I will openly admit that I am just not there yet - no matter how much I might want to, the seperation still feels very real and it is hard to trust God. But somewhere deep inside of me is a tiny bit of faith and hope that all of this is worth it and that all will turn out for the best. I used to feel ashamed because my faith wasn't that strong, but the other day, when I was contemplating how this little bit of faith is getting me through, I remembered how Christ said that all the faith you need is as big as a mustard seed. It makes me feel so much better - small though my faith may be, I am cultivating it and growing it, and I am sure it will yield good fruit.
"Details in the Fabric" - May 31, 2009
Not So Quick Questions - April 6, 2009
The Morning Stars - Lords of the 15 - April 9, 2009
Sincerity and Faith in Magic - April 10, 2009
Not So Quick Questions (2) - April 14, 2009
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