Bio
Latest
This Year
Last Year
Older
Music
Links
Profile
Notes
E-Mail
Diaryland
Electricity 2004-11-29 @ 5:42 p.m.
For several days now, I have been dreading having to touch any metal objects. Somehow, I have become so electrically charged that I keep zapping my finger everytime I go to open a door on campus. It may have to do with the more wintery kind of clothing I am wearing now, but other than that sweater the other day I have not been wearing anything you would think would create a significant charge. The worse is when I'll be driving to somewhere, get out of the car having charged my bottom by moving around in the seat, and touch the door frame without thinking. Zap! I know I have a magnetic personality, but this is getting ridiculous.
Maybe this has something to do with all the energy I've been raising in the last few weeks. I have been doing a lot more frequent and intense meditation, light working and other things. I am really getting serious with things out, and while it is nice to realize I am finally going beyond just endlessly reading about the esoteric and actually practicing it, there's so much responsibility that goes with it that I cannot help but be somewhat anxious at times. Along with the Gnostic work I have been doing for awhile, I have started a program in Kabbalistic use of the alephbet, using a cool book I found at Borders. I did the ritual this morning to attune to the first energy pattern represented by the letter aleph, and while nothing spectacular happened, it was reassuring to find that I could close my eyes during the ritual and without even trying or asking, the image of the aleph would perfectly pop into my head. The prayer and psalm was pretty cool too - I think I will share those with you once I get back from class tonight.
The other night I spent an hour or two at Borders oogling over all the awesome new music that got realeased within the last week or so. I was so tempted to buy it myself, especially the deluxe edition of the new U2 album with DVD documentary. Amazingly, after carrying the cds around the store and in the direction of the cash register, I turned back and resisted the temptation. Not only do I have a good chance of getting some good music for the holidays if I ask for it, but I just do not have the money to be spending on CDs right now, intoxicating addiction they are.
I know I have not written an entry in awhile, but for the longest time I just have not felt like writing. I have been feeling off base and trying to get centered again. In the ultimate, I know that "the Earth is Yahweh's and the fullness therein", but figuring out my place within all of this madness going on in our world is very difficult. I know that what I should be doing should be a reflection of who I am, but even that question still has not been answered fully. I know that I am only 21 and that I do not have to have my whole life figured out. I just do not want to waste any time or have any regrets, especially given the dismal state of things in the world. I want to be the most effective person I can in bringing peace and healing to everyone in the world. Problem is, how exactly am I supposed to go about that?
And even as I feel such a great responsibility to God, mankind, and even this semi-great country of ours that continually pisses me off on a regular basis, I cannot help but feel awfully alone and afraid sometimes. I sat down at Borders the other night and read a decent gay romance novel for awhile that brought back my awareness of the seemingly dismal romantic situation I am in right now. More and more I am thinking these days that I am just such a weird, eccentric and ecclectic guy that I will never find anyone who could really understand me - someone that I could fall in love with who would love me back just as much. The worst part about it is that all the men I really tend to swoon for are straight. Gay men even get on my nerves a lot of times. But how am I ever supposed to find romantic happiness if the guys I find truly attractive will never be attracted to me? Should I just give up on romance for this lifetime and focus on other stuff? Even as I write that I know I could never do it. I am just not strong enough to have that celibate priest kind of discipline... good thing I am not Catholic I guess. More than anything, I need a regular dose of that human touch that Bruce Springsteen sang about so well. And of course, I would prefer to get laid on a regular basis too. Ah... God, please show me how to get through all of this madness. I am just not strong enough to know what to do.
"Details in the Fabric" - May 31, 2009
Not So Quick Questions - April 6, 2009
The Morning Stars - Lords of the 15 - April 9, 2009
Sincerity and Faith in Magic - April 10, 2009
Not So Quick Questions (2) - April 14, 2009
|
CURRENT MOON moon phase |
