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Diaryland
Mind of Smothered Dreams (Rant) 2004-12-25 @ 10:06 p.m.
Some would tell me I haven't been myself lately. I might reply that I haven't been myself in years, if not my whole life. Who am I? Will I ever find a way to reconcile the seemingly strange and silly person I am on the outside with the immense and forceful personality within me? Even more than a personality - a soul, crashing like the waves of a storm. Never allowing me stability or security, except in the knowledge that such things do not really exist, with the possible exception of our attitude.
Faith - I want you so badly, but I will not surrender myself to an idol a second time. I will not hold your hand unless you hold mine. I cannot pretend I trust you when I don't. I won't dismiss my fears and worries - they protect me in a fundamental way. I won't let them have more than their fair share, but they are there for a reason.
Grace, hold me and fill me with your light and your tranquility. God, that I might give myself into your care. Sweet Shaddai - how can you and Yahwh be the same God? How can that which pierces be so kind simultaneously? If I can't figure you out, could I at least figure out what you want? What I should be doing? Who I should be being? How to get through this life and make the most of it? Why I wake up every morning feeling like I just want everything to end, only to mentally slap myself the next minute for questioning the sincerity and good of existence.
I got news for you all - I get depressed too. Terribly. I was afflicted with really severe clinical depression for several years. So I fight the same battle a lot of you do. I have my ups and downs, but I think I've been in a place for a while now where I'm not really up or down.
"Somewhere in between...what is real...just a dream..."
I just don't know if I can do it. My mind is part of who I am, and I can't...I won't shut it up for good. I will not run away from the questions, even though they pain me so much. Even as they hold out salvation and damnation in the same palm.
Syncronicity washes into the tides of my life, and I am never spared the feeling of knowing that something greater is at work in this world than space and time. And yet..
"Time, time... why do you punish me? Can you teach me about tomorrow, and all the pain and sorrow running free? Tomorrow's just another day... and I don't believe in time..."
Friends, friends... if you gazed into my soul, would you still like me? Or would you run away in fright? Or more likely, turn your head in disgust. I am not pretty. I bear weights so heavy that they physically hurt. Yet I bear those weights of my own choice, because I will not give up my responsibility. I will not sacrifice my integrity. I will not be satisfied with the countless thousands of things that men and women have settled for throughout history. I have to have more. And that makes me wonderful and ridiculously arrogant and stupid all at the same time. Who am I to ask for prophesy and anointing? Who am I to dare to demand the Truth? A spoiled child born to American parents, who with a few tweaks of destiny might have ended up very, very mediocre indeed. And perhaps, happier.
Is it selfish to want a happy life? Is it weak? If God cannot love us more or less, then why do we try to achieve anything?
Hell, why does anything exist at all? By all rights, nothing should.
All of it - beyond a conscious, reasoning mind.
"Not theirs to question why
theirs but to do and die"
And yet, even if being is All, we are still forced to do.
"Knowing then that I will die, how then shall I live?"
Forgive me... more pointless and weak whining from a soul who has no excuses.
God, forgive my weakness, for if You are God of Truth, no weakness truly exists.
"Details in the Fabric" - May 31, 2009
Not So Quick Questions - April 6, 2009
The Morning Stars - Lords of the 15 - April 9, 2009
Sincerity and Faith in Magic - April 10, 2009
Not So Quick Questions (2) - April 14, 2009
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