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Diaryland
Birthdays 2005-01-19 @ 12:49 p.m.
Today is Uncle Bob's birthday! God bless that guy; he brings comic relief in the truest sense to so many people. And the situations he gets himself into are just unbelievable.
On the subject of birthdays, tomorrow is my twenty-second. As usual it will be somewhere between low-key and no-key. I usually get mixed feelings about birthdays. I am partly happy because I'll get a little more respect and privelege, but also sad because I often feel like life may be passing me by. On reflection, I'm not sure if that is necessarily the case. I may actually be starting to believe that I am doing ok and I am exactly where I need to be. But I have this habit of looking upon the past with lots of regret. For whatever reason, I tend to remember the bad times a lot more than the good. I do not know if they really dominated my life, but the way my mind works, it makes it seem like they did. The most painful memories I have are of mistakes I made. Its little shit that anyone else would probably forget. But I remember stupid things I did and said with painful clarity. And everytime I do, it fills me with an aweful feeling of shame and disgust with myself. I have asked myself why after so long such memories still bother me so much. I think the answer is that on some level, I am terrified I'll do the same things again. Because to a degree, its true.
I have made the same mistakes over and over again in many respects. And the strangest part about it, is a lot of them were made while I was so busy being concerned about making mistakes. Or in other circumstances, where out of mental desperation, I swung from a place of caring far too much to not caring at all. There are countless examples I could give of this.
So I am twenty-two tomorrow. It is not a big change from last year, except in the sense that everyone keeps telling me that these are supposed to be the best years of my life. Honestly, they really don't feel that way, although I could probably say that for me at least, things are getting better. But why do people think you can never be as happy in middle or older years as you could when you were younger? Its just not fair - too much pressure and so little time. I don't have to be anything, and yet I feel like time is running out in so many respects. Adulthood is upon me and I am so scared I am going to fuck it up. Or even never really cut the cord with my parents the way I need to.
Yea...happy birthday to me :P
"Details in the Fabric" - May 31, 2009
Not So Quick Questions - April 6, 2009
The Morning Stars - Lords of the 15 - April 9, 2009
Sincerity and Faith in Magic - April 10, 2009
Not So Quick Questions (2) - April 14, 2009
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