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Diaryland
How We're REALLY Doing March 07, 2005 @ 10:21 a.m.
Don't you hate it how "how are you doing?" has become a trite phrase to be polite that people say all the time but rarely mean? And how most of the time, we all feel like we have to respond "fine", even if things are unbelievably crappy. Once, in awhile, I like to tell people how I'm really feeling just to see what kind of reaction I get and to teach people not to ask things if they really don't want to know. Usually people will then feign as much sympathy as the interest they were earlier faking. Ocassionaly someone gets really ticked that you are spoiling their efforts to convince themselves that the world is not so bad by admitting it is. They then proceed to try to convince you that things are really not that bad, sometimes even chastising you. Who are they really trying to convince though?
Things have not been very good lately, at least for me personally. Its strange, because in material terms I'm doing fine. But mentally and spiritually, I just hit the wall last week. I've been having the worst case of depression/anxiety/suicidal thoughts since winter break. Now I have to go back to counselling, which ticks me off, and I may have to go on medication, which would piss me off even more. The fact that I'm so weak I can't even deal with my own life is bad enough, but the idea of having to go on drugs to give me enough illusion of happiness to get me through the days just drives me batty. I guess that even when I'm feeling bad, at least I'm feeling like I'm being honest with myself about just how shitty things really are. I've gotten to the point now where bad times feel like my real life, and good times just feel like a break, or a trick. I'm guessing its because the majority of my life hasn't been that good in my opinion. But, what the hell do I know? Honestly, I really don't have any right to bitch, considering I've never had to worry about survival or food or shelter or making enough money.
A lot of times, I just don't know how I can continue to live in a world where the beautiful and the horrible exist side by side, creations of the same Author, or at least under Its jurisdiction. I look at the two, and I wonder if one of them, both of them, or neither of them are going to triumph in the long run. Is existence fundamentally good? Bad? Both? Neither? Where is all this heading? Is there hope? What will become of it all? And what's a human to do in the midst of it all? You have to admit, our instructions have been a bit contradictory and vague.
"Details in the Fabric" - May 31, 2009
Not So Quick Questions - April 6, 2009
The Morning Stars - Lords of the 15 - April 9, 2009
Sincerity and Faith in Magic - April 10, 2009
Not So Quick Questions (2) - April 14, 2009
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