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Diaryland
Angels & Demons April 17, 2005 @ 6:18 p.m.
I finished watching the fifth and final season of Angel today. There were some great moments, but I have to agree that its very obvious that the show got killed unexpectedly and they were forced to come up with an ending rather quickly. Its such a shame, because more than any other show I've ever seen, Angel was one that built up its characters and plots over a long period of time. It was apparent that David Greenwalt and Joss Whedon had a lot more planned, but were forced to cut it short.
I made up a huge batch of pesto the other night that I have yet to finish it, though not counting drinks it may be the only thing I've eaten since last night. The thought of eating any more if it now is rather repugnant. Too bad there's not much more around here to eat at the moment. I've been very erratic about shopping the last few weeks.
Come to think of it, I've been erratic about everything for awhile now. I feel like I hit some sort of limit and I've just been on this permanent mental vacation ever since. I've been more tempted than I can remember to be utterly selfish and to wallow in pure sensuality. Maybe its because I feel like this may be my last oppertunity. I'm sure I am being overdramatic here, but I don't think I'm really looking that forward to life after college.
I just don't feel strong enough to make it out there in a world that I know will keep hitting me down again and again. This time, I won't have any shields. On top of it, I'll have higher personal standards of my own. I'll be trying to fulfill my own goals which I've tried to set as high as I can, while I'm terrified that life and my own weakness are going to make me compromise and fail sooner or later. Maybe even crack. Its almost like there's only so much pain a person can be exposed to in one lifetime. And after that, perhaps they just shut down.
Suicide isn't an option for me. It never really was. The more I contemplate all the possibilities of eternity, the more silly it seems to think that death would grant one any kind of freedom. What lies beyond our time and space could easily be more horrible and numbing than our own lives. And this doesn't even require eternal flames. Just eternal frustration - the fact that our very existence creates a question and a drive we will never be able to answer. A never ending struggle. Even were we to free ourselves of all the things we loathe and immerse ourselves in bliss, the question of why and how we were made to endure all we did with slowly cut into our minds and destroy our paradise again. We wouldn't be content with bliss because we'd never be able to banish the possibility that we weren't designed for it. Who knows - we condemn God now, but our own sick imaginations can create worlds far more abominable than this one. And maybe one day the search for meaning from pain and how deep the rabbit holes go will lead us to become darker gods than the ones that raised us.
Wow, I'm morbid today.
"Details in the Fabric" - May 31, 2009
Not So Quick Questions - April 6, 2009
The Morning Stars - Lords of the 15 - April 9, 2009
Sincerity and Faith in Magic - April 10, 2009
Not So Quick Questions (2) - April 14, 2009
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