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Diaryland
Stepping Outside of Experience April 18, 2005 @ 11:07 a.m.
I had an interesting experience last night. What brought it about was hard to say. Part of it was an actual effort on my part. Part it was a graceful mystery.
I was lying on my bed in another one of my mental funks. Not a depressed/sad/suicidal one; I'm pretty much done with those. This was more of a anxious, confused, trying to figure out what I'm supposed to do in a universe that may fundamentally be incapable of making sense. I've noticed that these moods aren't just mental - for me, they are physical too. My nerves get on edge and vibrate with a very unpleasant anxiety. My heart speeds up and down. I feel anxious chemicals rush in and out of my chest and stomach.
And then suddenly, that wasn't all of it. I was more than that. I hadn't transcended anything. I was still there, feeling all the same feelings, emotions, sensations, thoughts. They hadn't been deadened at all.
But I was at the same time, able to look at them from the outside. I was actually able to step into and rest in the abstract possibilities of my mind.
It wasn't as if the pain went away, something I guess I've been unconsciously expecting from my various mystical practices. Rather, it was that the unnecessary agony of losing myself into that pain was removed. The pain didn't consume my consciousness anymore. It simply was what it was, and I gave it no more power than that.
From that vantage point of obseving the things I once consdired to be the observers, hope was returned to me.
Its strange - I think more than the other members of the Gnostic Order, I am someone who was been able to intellectually encompass a lot of the teachings without actually experiencing them. Now, at last, I may be beginning to actually manifest my hope.
Possibility is not longer abstract to me. It is becoming reality. A reality that will somehow take all of it in.
Good is to honor the process and continue to build the masterpiece even though it may continue forever. Evil is to use the forever as an excuse to stop building.
Evil may be the eternal frustration, but good still has the potential to transmute any experience of evil or pain into something greater and better. In which case, existence can only get infinitely better, because it has developed a power and a beauty and a love beyond eternity.
Hope!
"Details in the Fabric" - May 31, 2009
Not So Quick Questions - April 6, 2009
The Morning Stars - Lords of the 15 - April 9, 2009
Sincerity and Faith in Magic - April 10, 2009
Not So Quick Questions (2) - April 14, 2009
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