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Diaryland
Philmont Frustrations July 10, 1999 @
Jupiter sextile Mars
Sorry I haven't written for a few days -- I guess I just forgot with this strict schedule I've been on. I know that there have been good events that have happened, but right now all I can think about is frustration. So I'd better get it out of my system.
Lately, I feel like no matter what I do I can't meet everyone's expectations. Despite my experience, everyone seems to be treating me like a novice camper. Is it just because I haven't been able to spend enough time with these guys? Everyone is being so critical of me! AmI being that much of an idiot? Whether its Carsten bitching at me for not being an expert like him, or Mr. Marx constantly reminding me to drink more water, it is unceasing! No matter how much I drink, how careful I am, or how tired -- it is never enough! Well, fuck that! I'm not going to let other people ruin this trip for me, no matter what.
What's supposed to be so magical about this place? Sure, parts of it are really aesthetic, and you can't see stars like this in many places. Actually, we've only had one good starry night; the rest have been cloud-shrowded nights with lightning lancing across the sky and thunder screaming at the very soul. I hope the "magic" is yet to come, because if all it is is the confidence from trudging around a few hundred square miles, then I don't think I'll get much out of this.
I miss Scott and Megan and Garin. Garin -- gosh, I can't stop thinking about him! Every time my body isn't demanding all my mind's attention, my thoughts drift to him. I wonder if he'll call me at all this summer. Man, I wish I could just get to know him better. Maybe I'm dreaming too much. He could just be putting on the friendly facade so he could covert me to LDS. Somehow, it seems unimaginable though. Everything about him seems so pure and good. His aura is full of beautiful light, and whenever he taps my shoulder, I feel a surge of energy. He is the only person I've ever felt I could fall in love with. We would probably be seperated by pursuitseventually.
"Details in the Fabric" - May 31, 2009
Not So Quick Questions - April 6, 2009
The Morning Stars - Lords of the 15 - April 9, 2009
Sincerity and Faith in Magic - April 10, 2009
Not So Quick Questions (2) - April 14, 2009
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