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Diaryland
Hell October 20, 2005 @ 9:33 a.m.
Two days ago, I went into a steam room for the first time in ages. I only ended going in there out of sheer curiousity and a brain fart that somehow seemed to indicate that a steam room is not the same as a sauna. So that I wasn't expecting the scary 111 humid degrees. But, I put my fears inside and stayed in there for a few minutes. Other people were in there, so I was trying to convince myself that despite my instincts, it really was safe. The intense heat in a small claustrophobic space gave the feeling of being in an oven. People find this relaxing? If I let myself think about it, the whole concept becomes quite terrifying. There's something about dying of heat that's so much scarier than dying of cold.
Yesterday night, I was thinking about this experience, and the analogy of hell came to mind. I don't believe in hell. I've done so much research on the origin, spread and adoptation of the idea that there's no theological justification left in my mind. Yet, for all the theology, I suppose there's something deep inside me that was still afraid of it. Until people have an experience of rebirth, we instinctively fear death. And Hell, to me, seems the most evil idea people have ever come up with, because it draws out the worst possibilites of our worst fears. No wonder its been so effective in scaring people through the centuries.
So yesterday night, I put myself there for a moment. Taking the tiniest taste of analogy from what it would have been like to be in such a place, I imagined being in hell.
For the first few minutes, I begged for it to stop, offering anything.
After that I began to simply scream for attention, wondering if I was heard at all.
But after that, when it was apparent the pain would continue forever, even within it I began to challenge it. Why did it exist? What could hell possibly serve? I wouldn't wish more than twenty minutes of this on the worst torturers and mass murderers in the world.
Given more time, it would have only tranformed me more and more into the kind of person it was meant to punish. With the vengeance the only thing left and torture exposed as the standard of existence, I would have become as evil as I could be simply to spite the god of evil in my own little way.
And after a long time, even thoughts of vengeance would fade away, and I would simple consign myself to hopelessness. And the realization that nothing could be done and hell is just the way things are would be all that was left. If my being were not permitted to burn away, then I would be silent in the flames for the rest of eternity.
If punishments are meant to teach a lesson, how can the lesson be learned if the punishment is neverending? And if the object is not reeducation but simply vengeance, wouldn't the most evil people on earth have their worst crimes burnt out within an hour? The punishment would far outweight the most heinous crime.
If the object was simply, as some theologians have argued, to isolate the individual from God and contaminating the rest of existence, wouldn't the isolation be enough of a punishment? Eternal pain on top of it?
The more I contemplated it, the more apparent the evil and insanity of the idea became. The logic of hell had long escaped me. But I think now, for the first time in my life, I don't just believe it doesn't exist. I Know that it can't exist if God is good and existence isn't an exercise in cruelty and torture. Even the most sadistic of beings could not keep up such things.
I cannot know for sure that hell doesn't exist seeing as I'm not in current communication with the afterlife. Roxanne says that some people believe so strongly in hell and their deserving it that they send themselves to such a place after they die, only saving themselves when they begin to believe that they can be forgiven.
But if Hell exists, there is no hope or goodness in God or existence. Whether you would go to hell proper or not, the whole of existence would be hell for having it.
"Details in the Fabric" - May 31, 2009
Not So Quick Questions - April 6, 2009
The Morning Stars - Lords of the 15 - April 9, 2009
Sincerity and Faith in Magic - April 10, 2009
Not So Quick Questions (2) - April 14, 2009
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