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Diaryland
Tranquility January 09, 2006 @ 2:18 p.m.
I feel tired, and I'm not sure why. It might just be a normal afternoon, post-lunch kind of thing, though my lunch was not really that big - a couple of pieces of toast and some gelato from the shop down the hill. The weather here is very beautiful right now, which is a welcome relief after all the raining and flooding. The sun is out enough to be warm but not hot, there's not too much breeze - all in all, its very tranquil up here in the hills. I want to go to sleep - and then I remember I'm working.
When I think about places at pretty at this, and places that are even more beautiful to me - the carribean, snowy mountains, Hawaii - I know that peace is being offered to me. Yet, even as I acknowledge the beauty around me, I find I can't forget about the horror in the world. I can rest, but I can't fully relax knowing what is going on.
I ask myself, "What would it take for me to feel the world was going to be ok?" Bush and the neo-cons convicted for their crimes and out of office for good? All the American troops recalled from imperial posts around the world? Signs of a real reversal from people destroying the world to healing the wounds already caused? A fundamental change of attitude in this country and abroad? The threats against the entire world halted?
I guess, perhaps, I want the feeling of inevitable death to end. I want to stop feeling like I'm living on a dying planet, trying to ease the passing of a loved one; feeling like I'm saying goodbye everytime I see someone or something beautiful. Or maybe, rather than that resolve to whatever fate befalls this country and this world, its the possibility of change that tortures me. I wonder about how many "not too late moments" we all have left, before its just a matter of time playing itself out. Who is going to have the critical mass which determines our future?
Sometimes, after you've dealt with bleakness for so long, signs of hope can actually be more disturbing than more bad news. And I have, truly, began to notice little signs here and there. Little victories. Little openings. Little changes.
It brings back memories, and opens up possibilities I had to close off for my own good. I find myself thinking about plans for a future I never thought I'd get to enjoy - either because dedication would require setting it aside, or that the places I loved would simply not be around for me to enjoy them. I find myself thinking about real love, and the friends I want for life, and the most beautiful places in my life that have become a part of my soul. I think about building something for the long run, when I'm not even sure there will be a long run to build in.
I acknowledge all the problems, all the pain, all the probabilites. And I see beyond and in them and through them. I see my friends laughing as we celebrate something we thought we'd never be able to. I see myself falling in love with a person I thought didn't exist. I see a foundation laid, and children raised in love and beauty and hope and wisdom. I see tranquility restored.
The Tao Te Ching says "There will always be executioners." Maybe there will. I guess I just want them put back into their place, and no longer lording over our lives. Wise men say true happiness is irelavant of circumstances and based on attitude and approach. Perhaps they are right.
All the same, my heart still hopes for the Day of Peace. I don't want to content myself with imagining it or running away to it. I want it - true tranquility - for myself, and for my world.
My world is a part of me - as long as it is in pain like this, than paradise is still yet to come.
"Details in the Fabric" - May 31, 2009
Not So Quick Questions - April 6, 2009
The Morning Stars - Lords of the 15 - April 9, 2009
Sincerity and Faith in Magic - April 10, 2009
Not So Quick Questions (2) - April 14, 2009
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