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Diaryland
Just Keep Swimming January 19, 2006 @ 10:15 a.m.
Dear Loralea and Ellen,
I thought I might write to you and let you know what I've been up to. All things considered, the trip back to Marin went pretty well. The most confusing part was passing through San Francisco, because there is a fairly sizable distance between the Caltrain station and the TransBay Terminal. So it took me awhile to figure out which buses to take to where, and then there was a good amount of walking with the box of books in hand as well. The longest stretch of walking was actually back in San Rafael though, walking from the transit station to my apartment. My arms were sore the next day, but it was worth it.
Yesterday was a very strange day. The weather fluctuated wildly, back and forth between rain and sun. We had a giant rainbow that ended right on our hills at work - I was tempted to go over and check to see if there actually was a pot of gold there. I guess this place and the aid we are able to give to the kids is the real gold. Unfortunately, the same day, a friend that I had made here - a very nice and handsome guy who gave me a ride and whom with I had some good conversation - got fired right in front of me. He was real upset about it, and the HR lady was telling me to make sure he actually left and didn't hang around or try to see the kids. It was very sad and put me in an ackward position. I was able to give him my contact info though, so perhaps I will get to see him again.
On a more positive note, I am finding more and more ways to integrate the various parts of my life with my spirituality and practices. I've felt for a long time like the two were kind of opposed, and I was in somewhat of a lose-lose situation trying to choose one or the other. But now, I feel very dedicated to try to find ways to put everything together, and to reconcile the seeming contradictions. I don't want anything important in my life to be divorced from the rest of what I value. So I've been doing various things lately to tie stuff together, and its working beautifully. Without going into details, I've even found ways to bridge my spirit with my sexuality, and I had what might be called a 'tantric experience' the other night that was absolutely beautiful. There's so much peace and joy and freedom that comes when you celebrate such things as gifts and blessings from God, rather than something dirty or shameful.
Despite all the other good things going on, I don't want to lose my commitment to meditating everyday. I don't want to fall back into the pattern I had before of only doing it every few days or so when I had lots of extra time and felt in the mood. It still feels like a chore often, but I have been sticking to the schedule fairly well recently, and I intend to keep doing that. Its just that oftentimes, I feel like I don't really want 'it' - whatever it may be - bad enough, and so in addition to feeling like I'm swimming upstream when it comes to my own desires, I worry I may not have enough desire and sincerity to receive the kind of illumination I have been meditating for. Maybe my motivation will grow with time - I don't know. It seems like I may have started down this path out of desperation rather than authentic desire to know God and such. Now that my life seems to be going really well (for a change), its difficult to keep at it when it seems almost... unnecessary?
Last night though, the meditation went well. I kept repeating a mantra in my mind that really helped me to stay focused on the light and the object of my concentration. "Ain Soph Or Emet" - its Hebrew, and means "Limitless Light of Truth". I stayed there for at least a half hour, focusing on the light and just chanting those words in my mind over and over again. I held on really well, but I was really surprised at how disturbed my mind was by the whole thing. There was an infinite stream of objections and doubts and distractions that really shocked me. I mean, EVERY LITTLE SCRAP OF RELATED THOUGHT that my mind could conceive of was raised!
It - my mind I mean - felt so ... desperate! And yet, in the space I was in, I didn't identify with that desperation. I actually even pitied it a little. I never realized I was so terrified of really going this far. Along with the mantra, the only thing that got me through it was a kind of gentle, universal response to all the thoughts that "it will all be made clear". Eventually, for a minute or so at least, I did get to a space of quiet that was a nice relief while it lasted. And given all that I've been through, I understand now that by placing so much responsibility on my own reasoning to protect me, I've actually made this a lot harder than it would have been otherwise. No wonder its taken me this long to get to this point. At the same time, having taken the long road, I've seen a lot more than I might have, and I think that despite all the distractions along the path, in the end I may be all the stronger and more enriched for it. My faith is stronger I know, even if I'm not entirely sure where that faith is directed. If I do have a God, its greater and more encompassing than anything I have yet encountered. I can't say with certainty what it is, but I know what it is not - or maybe better, not limited to.
Ah... so, all is well. Thanks for hearing me out as I babble on about ground already well covered. I do appreciate your support more than you can know.
All the best,
Joseph David
"Details in the Fabric" - May 31, 2009
Not So Quick Questions - April 6, 2009
The Morning Stars - Lords of the 15 - April 9, 2009
Sincerity and Faith in Magic - April 10, 2009
Not So Quick Questions (2) - April 14, 2009
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