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Diaryland
Lonely Hearts March 16, 2006 @ 10:11 a.m.
Derek,
It always pisses me off whenever I hear someone say "better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all". How can anyone know that? And either way, you're screwed. I have seen a lot of my friends go through hell dealing with love and relationships and such. I've never been in either, so its difficult to relate, but then that creates a whole different set of problems. I convinced myself for quite a while that I was ok on my own and that I shouldn't be dependant on anyone. Independance is good and there are a lot of things I've gotten to enjoy by being single that I wouldn't be able to as much if I were with someone. Recently though, I've had little things coming up in my life that have made me quite lonely and heartsick. I miss another person's touch, and the kind of affection and intimacy they can show you that you never anticipate. So please, don't feel bad about 'spilling your guts'. Besides, after the length of that last letter I sent you, I was feeling like I babbled on anyway.
I don't feel like I have any right to complain right now given that things are on the upswing, but I'm not as happy as I'd like to be. I am really busy like you said, and I don't have much time for friends or just fun personal stuff. I'm looking forward to this summer when I won't have to teach Hebrew school for a couple months, and even then I'm not sure if I want to go back next fall. Meditation is also a real bitch when you are first learning and getting it down. You have to train yourself like you were training an animal. Its very hard to be objective, but you even have to step outside your own thoughts and personality to find an identity that transcends it. The inevitable result is that all your personal shit gets pushed to the surface, and you end up having to deal with stuff in your life that you've been avoiding or haven't handled in a healthy way. Not to sound cliched, but oftentimes we are our own worse enemies and harshest critics.
I hear you about being ready to be done - I had the worst case of senioritis my last year of undergrad. It had kind of accumulated since I went straight to college out of high school, and the last year of that I wasn't as anxious as everyone else to be done. My last semester at Sonoma State, I slacked off so much. There were a couple of weeks where most of my time was spent drinking margaritas and watching all 7 seasons of 'Sex and the City'.
I agree with you about OSU - it did seem real sheltered. I remember how it drove me crazy being stuck there on the weekends before I finally got a car and was able to get out of town. I love Portland - I wouldn't mind living there. I found Corvallis pretty depressing though.
Keep in touch,
David
"Details in the Fabric" - May 31, 2009
Not So Quick Questions - April 6, 2009
The Morning Stars - Lords of the 15 - April 9, 2009
Sincerity and Faith in Magic - April 10, 2009
Not So Quick Questions (2) - April 14, 2009
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