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Diaryland
Options October 11, 2006 @
The chain of days continues on, and I am continually uncertain about how best to use my time and where to go next. I become more aware every day of the fact that when it comes to the choices we make in life, clearly discernable right/wrong choices are rare. There can be several right answers, several wrong answers � even several options which don�t really matter either way.
Seth and Kevin are planning on moving into an apartment of their own in a month or so, and Cash and Jasmine are planning to follow them shortly after. I have to decide whether I want to stay here or not.
I�ve been brainstorming, and here are a few options I�ve come up with thusfar:
*Find new roommates and stay in Ashland. While this in itself would not be particularly difficult, it would probably be hard starting over with someone I don�t know and am not very compatible with. In the circle of friends, Dan is the only one who comes to mind as a possibility, though I hear tell he has pretty severe temper tantrums that involve the destruction of items in the immediate area. Then again, removing him from the presence of his mother might vastly reduce that effect. Ben is going to school in Grants Pass and so it would make no sense for him to move to Ashland. I doubt he wants to be around me much after all the stuff that went down last month.
*Move to another place in Ashland � perhaps an apartment just for me again. Don�t know if I�d go for that � I think San Rafael pre-Todd and Lester was enough time on my own for awhile. At least until I go for the Abramelin operation � I�m sure I�ll have PLENTY of mind-numbing isolation and soul-searching then.
*Move back to California to live with the family and help in the raising of the cousins�
No, forget that option. I�d go lazy, spoiled and possibly insane.
*Move wherever is best to get a political job. Likely, this would take me all the way to Washington DC from the job search I�ve been doing on the Internet. This would make good and meaningful work a definite likelihood, but starting over again on the other side of the country far from anyone I know and having to pay for rent in a place like Georgetown are definitely intimidating prospects.
*Become a live-in student with Sensei Holloway back in Lynwood, Washington. Presumably, he�s still got that whole set-up on top of his garage and still has the offer available. I don�t know if he ever had any takers for it � I think I vaguely remember a visitor from out of town, but I think he was more there on religious concerns. Sensei Holloway is a devout Protestant, and although I�ve never come right out to him and told him I�m gay, a situation with Pasha kinda forced up the issue and revealed that while he doesn�t believe its right himself, he is respectful of other�s perspectives. And conversations about religion and/or sexuality aside, I�m very fond of the guy. He has always been kind of like a father to me, and its so nice to have someone to look up for a change. I learn a lot from him � on and off the mat. Too bad I haven�t talked to him in ages. Haven�t been training either; although, with the help of the chiropractor and fairly regular stretching and walking, I think I might be in the best shape I ever have been for martial arts.
*Eschew society and become a hermit, working everyday to survive and stay one step ahead of the cops who insist on making self-sufficiency and free-thought and action illegal.
Nothing is clear or certain. I don�t know how to figure this out. I�m hopeful that maybe my tarot cards might be able to help me out, but I�ve been having trouble interpreting on more minor matters lately, so I worry they won�t be able to provide guidance. I can�t call Ben for help anymore, and Dee is unavailable for a little while as well. What friends I know who aren�t psychic can barely understand why I ended up here in Ashland, let alone where I would go next. I will meditate, but I fear that as comforting as it may be, silence may not provide answers either.
Free will is a real bitch sometimes. I feel often that, when I do die, and if my consciousness does go on, I will not be the kind of soul who looks back longingly and with regret on the lost windows of opportunity in life and wished I had lived more fully while I could. Rather, I think I�ll be the one encouraging more understanding and compassion for all the people still living down here, who may have the choice to respond to life however they choose, but shouldn�t be faulted for going astray again and again trying to figure out the next step on paths that are by no means clear-cut.
"Details in the Fabric" - May 31, 2009
Not So Quick Questions - April 6, 2009
The Morning Stars - Lords of the 15 - April 9, 2009
Sincerity and Faith in Magic - April 10, 2009
Not So Quick Questions (2) - April 14, 2009
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