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Diaryland
Hello Again May 30, 2007 @ 1:21 p.m.
Dear Nick,
I've been meaning to write back to you for awhile. I looked at the last correspondence and it was from late February. I did not realize it had been that long already.
I met a man recently that reminds me of you in so many ways its trippy. He's actually my chiropractor - the third in three years, not out of distaste but becuase I keep moving around every half year or so. For some cosmic reason, they have always ended up being intensely attractive men out of my reach. The first was a bodybuilder that may well have been the hottest man I've ever met in my life. The second was also gorgeous and a closet-case that was clearly into me but brought up the girlfriend whenever I started to have personal appeal. Anyone could see we were both into each other, but it wasn't meant to be I guess. This one - I swear Nick - he feels and smells just like you. Not that I've been intimate with him, but when a guy is adjusting you with his hands and relaxing you deliberately in order to manipulate your spine back to health, you notice these things. I don't say this to mess with you - I'm just trying to get it off my chest. It all overwhelmed me so much that I almost ended up crying right there in his office. Call me a drama queen; I couldn't put it down to any one thing. It was kind of like those emotional upheavals that everybody gets frequently when they are teenagers. Even though I am not yet a hermit, I have been psychologically very alone for a very long time now. And I am sorely in need of more human touch.
I am living up in Washington now, not very far from where I spent the better part of my youth. The thing with the Kabbalah Centre did not work out - they had way too many people try to sign up for the teacher training so they ended up limiting it to people in the Los Angeles area. So I ended up falling back on a plan B I had to become a live-in martial arts student (Uchi-deshi) with a sensei up here that I have known since high school and who taught me my first said skills. I have been doing it for about a month now, with mixed feelings and performance. My heart is not really in it, but I am concerned that it would be wrong and lazy of me to just quit, when I made a commitment do so at least six months and possibly up to a year and a half. Originally I thought I would be able to do a very important spiritual-magical project on the side, since both endeavours require a semi-monastic lifestyle, but that is becoming less feasable. My sensei is a born-again Christian and its entirely possible he might very well flip out when the word 'magic' comes up. Religious differences aside, he doesn't know if he can guarantee I'll be able to stay there that long, much less have a week of seclusion at the end which is necessary for the operation.
I have been building up to this point in my life for awhile, feeling like I have to get prepared for whatever lies ahead and also at the same time, figure out what to do with my life and where to go from here. The spiritual program I want to do, which is from the Middle Ages and is called the Abramelin operation, is designed to faciliate a perceptible and permanent communion with God and your guardian angel. Along with the obvious benefits of having a direct line to heaven, it also is used to overcome demonic influences in one's life and transmute them into magical powers. I'll understand if it all sounds out there, but I think you can see why this would have a lot of importance for me personally.
Its very weird and hard - all my life, I feel like I've been having to do all sorts of prerequisites and work in order to get to the point where I can be the person I want to be - Kintergarten to college education, work, experience, physical fitness, etc. Now I'm finally in the position I wanted to be in and I have no idea what to do. In some ways, I'm proud because I feel like I could do or endure anything. I feel that I am a warrior and I could even do well in the military if that was my inclination (its not, but the martial arts world has a lot of crossover). I know I can work and get whatever I put my mind to, but I just don't really want anything more than than all the simple things and people that bring me joy, and to be a good person. I want the world to get better, but maybe its just so that it will leave me alone and I won't have to always feel like the Apocalypse is always around the corner just waiting to take away everything and everyone I love. Maybe, like this one book I am reading says, the things and individuals in themselves are not important, but rather the parts of me that they stimulate. I fear to lose something irretrievable by letting go of it all, but they say that's the way to enlightenment.
I am sorry if this is too much - I guess I just need to talk to someone. How have you been? How is Joey? Where are you working at now? Did you end up moving out? Where to? Fill me in when you get a chance, and feel free to spill the beans about whatever is running through your head and heart lately. I'm always here for you.
Love, David
"Details in the Fabric" - May 31, 2009
Not So Quick Questions - April 6, 2009
The Morning Stars - Lords of the 15 - April 9, 2009
Sincerity and Faith in Magic - April 10, 2009
Not So Quick Questions (2) - April 14, 2009
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