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Diaryland
No Regrets June 01, 2007 @ 12:08 p.m.
Nick,
Sorry about the emotional rollarcoaster. Please don't feel like you have to regret anything. I have always tried to respect other people's relationship commitments and fidelity, as to do otherwise is to just invite the same bad karma back on yourself when you get into a relationship. I think it was confusing because we were both in a real gray area. I'm surprised that you would feel guilty about the other bed thing - I felt like I was disrespecting your relationship and tempting you to be unfaithful. And then you came and joined me anyway, and I didn't really care anymore, because at that point there was nothing but soft bedding and soft skin running through my mind :)
Did you ever see the movie "Sliding Doors" with Gwenyth Paltrow (spelling?)? I only saw it once, and though its kind of a tragedy in a lot of ways, I thought it was a beautiful exploration of "what ifs" - showing how they can and can't lead to different tracks and conclusions and such. Sometimes in my mind I run through my life and do that at different times. What if I had been a high school football player? Or become a born-again Christian? Or never moved to certain places? Or never invited certain people into my life? While a lot of times I think we are forced to make somewhat arbitrary decisions, I don't think its fair to think we truly could have done it differently. Socrates said that all people are fundamentally innocent because they always make decisions according to what they at the time consider is best. Hindsight is 20/20 and its not really fair to look at the past through black and white or rosy-tinted spectacles. We wouldn't have been us if we chose otherwise. So no eating yourself up! That could cause serious indigestion ;)
Funny how you ended up in San Ramon. I understand what you are saying about routine and the 9 to 5 lifestyle. I used to denigrate it a lot, but I understand its appeal now that I've had to struggle out on my own for awhile. Still, I don't think you or I need worry - I just don't see us as the types ending up in Dilbert cubicle jobs for the rest of our lives. We'll make our moves and execute our plans when we're good and ready.
I can't tell you enough how much your love and support mean to me. There have been a lot of people in my life who have expected and predicted great things for me because of my abilties, intelligence, talents, education, etc. But there are not that many I think who believe in me for my own sake - the pilot at the helm of this really delicate plane that oftentimes I think is going to crash any moment. I also feel often like the people who are willing to embrace me and comiserate always want to pull me back and backwards from achieving my goals and being as strong as I want and need to be. My mom has been like that a lot, but recently that's been improving. Although there were times when I was ridiculously suspicious of myself around you, fearing that to enjoy things innocently implied some sort of weakness or laziness, you have never been conditional with your affection. That means the world to me. So from the bottom of my heart, thank you for having faith in the man behind the curtain.
Love, David
"Details in the Fabric" - May 31, 2009
Not So Quick Questions - April 6, 2009
The Morning Stars - Lords of the 15 - April 9, 2009
Sincerity and Faith in Magic - April 10, 2009
Not So Quick Questions (2) - April 14, 2009
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