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Diaryland
Not as easy as I thought October 12, 2008 @ 3:41 p.m.
This is almost funny. I make a resolution to sit down and do more journaling. I reframe the whole thing. And still, for some reason, I just... feel so panicky sitting here and typing this thing. I think the only thing that is keeping me going is just streaming whatever I'm feeling at the moment no holds barred.
I've been panicking about a lot of things lately. Some deserve a bit of fear, justifiably. Others, maybe not so much, but they push old personal buttons that gets the whole system of a down going.
I feel afraid. Really, really afraid. Constantly. Right before I go to bed usually, and often shortly after I wake up. I feel sick to my stomach right now. Very, very anxious.
I've been taking St. John's wort lately to try to help out, but I need some more time before the dosage levels out to a good baseline. Ben tells me that its a very subtle drug and that you usually don't appreciate until one day you wake up and realize that you've actually been doing ok for the last week. That's something really good to look forward to, but in the meantime and the here and now its hard not to have some relief.
Yesterday I stayed up till 3 watching the third season of Grey's Anatomy. The episodes with the Ferry accident have really been bothering me. I'm not usually bothered so much by scenes like that, but I guess they just did such a good job at personalizing it that it got me going. At one point, just watching all the injuries and pain, I started feeling phantom pains of my own in all these various vulnerable places of my body that I've been hurt before. I could feel what it was like to get bashed in the shins for instant. It was very intense and I couldn't stop it and maybe on some level I didn't want to. I don't know how to do this really - sometimes I feel like I should just let myself hurt, and then other times it feels totally pointless.
I can't cry and I'm worried about having a panic attack. I don't really feel like I have anyone I could talk to about this. Well, maybe Desiree. I don't like burdening people, especially when they make it painfully obvious that is what I'm doing to them.
I met a guy two days ago on craig's list and ended up spending the night at his place. Between a lot of pot, a really strong love spell and a bunch of sex, we ended up opening up to each other very deeply and very quickly. I'm happy for being able to connect with someone like that - I love people and I love being able to do that. Its like when I was in college and I got smoked out with my roomates in a closed up bathroom, and I could just be with them and love them and feel their presence and our mutual pleasure without even touching. Granted, fucking would have been celestial that night, had things gone that direction. Ah, but those roomies were straight.
Anyways, this guy I ended up with - Dennis - he's so different from the guys I usually aim for, and not necessarily in a good way. There's a lot about him that is downright obnoxious and annoying. Not that I don't have a shitload of that on my end to, but after the ball is over I worry about compatability and how nice I'll be to him when I'm not stoned.
This has been a glimpse into the life of a total nutcase :)
"Details in the Fabric" - May 31, 2009
Not So Quick Questions - April 6, 2009
The Morning Stars - Lords of the 15 - April 9, 2009
Sincerity and Faith in Magic - April 10, 2009
Not So Quick Questions (2) - April 14, 2009
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