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Diaryland
Hurting October 13, 2008 @ 12:32 p.m.
I am scared of a lot of things, but I think, sometimes, that one of the things that scares me most is just to communicate directly. I always feel like I can't be completely straightforward with people, at least most people with most situations and topics. I have friends that I treasure that when it comes to certain things, I can talk to them very, very freely, and that is very welcome and something I am very grateful for. But even those friends of mine have certain areas I've just learned are off limits. I guess everyone is that way to a certain extent - there are things you just don't bring up. But when those things constantly bring themselves up in the ways that they continue to dominate a person's life and demand attention, I find myself in a lose-lose situation where I have to choose between being honest with my friends and very possibly losing their friendship, or keeping quiet and letting things get worse.
I hate feeling so egostical and powerless. I hate feeling hatred at all, but I suppose that in many ways its just as natural an emotion as love - just not as accepted. I feel so vulnerable lately, and though my life has always for the most part been out of my control, I fear what comes to pass when I can't do anything about it. All the platitudes ring in my head and punish me even more for entertaining such thoughts and feelings, but so often they come unbiden and I'm never really sure how much control I really have.
My back hurts and I feel guilty all the fucking time. Just writing this feels so pathetic in many ways - I guess I can understand how Elijah feels when he says that blogging is egotistical. Its just that ego is something that, for now, I feel like I have to deal with.
I hurt so much right now and I wish I didn't. This shame and this fear and rage and everything else is just so strong and so obvious and self-evident. I really don't know what to do here. I've heard so much advice before, but whether it pans out or not is a different thing all together. My thoughts are perfectly contradictory and my spirit is ill at ease. I want protection, but who do I want it from?
Everything inevitable inside me shows its face, and I'm lost as to what to do - if what to "do" was ever the solution to begin with.
Drama queen, drama queen - why do I keep putting on this play?
"Details in the Fabric" - May 31, 2009
Not So Quick Questions - April 6, 2009
The Morning Stars - Lords of the 15 - April 9, 2009
Sincerity and Faith in Magic - April 10, 2009
Not So Quick Questions (2) - April 14, 2009
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