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Diaryland
Three of Pentacles (3) February 12, 2008 @ 12:50 a.m.
www.learntarot.com/p3.htm
being competent
getting the job done
carrying out an assignment well
meeting your goals
proving your ability
achieving more than what's expected
knowing what to do and how to do it
being up to the job
... :|
...
It all just makes me so sick. So useless. So depressed and defeated and utterly worthless.
Yes, that's the magic word. The key to my emotional alchemy of sorts.
Worth
Am I worthy? Am I worthwhile? Do I have WORTH?
Who can say? What can define it? What's the measuring stick if any?
A parent can't tell you. Whether they're right or wrong, whether they love you or don't, its just something that's hard to believe. Tricky to accept.
Or not.
But, this is the truth: I feel a fear deep, deep down, that my parents don't really love me.
Oh, they love "me". They love their son. They love their seed and the fruit of their womb and such. They love someone who's smart and interesting and funny, and on and on.
But do they love someone who's insane? Someone who's dark? Someone who has fetishes and neuroses and sick and twisted thoughts? Someone who once tried out Freudian ideas in their mind to see if they had any value or insight to them?
The thing I've learned is, people don't accept you. Not all of you. Just a part. And maybe, that's not so bad. Its ok - you're human, they're human, and you have to forgive them for just being what they are. We can't accept everything, can we?
Then again, I suppose that's what enlightenment is supposed to be about: An acceptance of all things as they are.
Therapists and shrinks know that when you sit a patient down on the couch and they talk to you for a long significant time about themselves. They have to believe that they can trust you, that you will listen and stay objective. Not judge. But seriously, can any human do that? Don't therapists have to invoke some sort of superhuman persona to do that? Don't they have to effectively pretend to be someone else who CAN accept everything about a person? Because I find it hard to believe that even therapists aren't given to cutting down and groaning at patients in their mind.
Then again, I see judgment everywhere.
"Details in the Fabric" - May 31, 2009
Not So Quick Questions - April 6, 2009
The Morning Stars - Lords of the 15 - April 9, 2009
Sincerity and Faith in Magic - April 10, 2009
Not So Quick Questions (2) - April 14, 2009
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