Bio
Latest
This Year
Last Year
Older
Music
Links
Profile
Notes
E-Mail
Diaryland
*Forget About It April 5, 2006 @ 4:00 pm
Forget about it.
We forget to protect ourselves, but it is usually not a choice made consciously. Especially which memories will come and go. Oftentimes, when I remember something positive long forgot, I think that if I could remember such things more often, my attitude and outlook about life and general would be more positive and happy. Then again, I don't know if I could stay sane fully recalling the entirety of the various pains I have felt in my life. And even were all memories to be layed before me, good and bad, it still wouldn't qualify as a good basis for a judgement of my life. Dead or alive, I will refuse to allow a courtroom to decide the meaning, validity, and fate of my life, or my soul.
Love, certainly, would be the most contentious judgment of all. Its probably been one of the most difficult areas of my life, and its unclear whether, given me current course and who I am and and what I do, whether my prospects are optimistic or bleak.
Have I ever been in love? Its difficult to say. Most of the time I tend to lean towards a 'no' answer. But then I remember how good it has been at times, even if I couldn't for sure say it was love. And the harsh decisions of the moment were only made harsher with time, which proved me wrong without giving me an adequate chance, perhaps, to prove me right. Andy. Baruch. Was there... is there.. would there have been love? Unanswerable questions.
Ah well. Forget about it. I'm admitting I was wrong, and I'll just take what's mine and walk right out the door.
Forget about it. I'll split, and I'll be gone, and you'll have memories you'll find hard to ignore.
I'm not given to know what goes on in other people's heads and hearts. Whether the men I have felt for throughout the years have felt the same. What guys I have known who have felt for me have only gotten unrequited love in return. Not deliberatly of course - just a matter of bad compatability. No, not even that - because I've known men that would have been ideal for me; completely 'compatible'. And I felt nothing for them other than respect and friendship. Fuck the cosmos for that. If even the rare breed I can relate to aren't enough, is the kind of man I can love and be loved back even in existence?
Forget about it.And many days, I do just that. But when I am successful in such an endeavour, it is not always a positive thing. It has made me numb, distant and cold in some ways. And when I do choose to remember, although there is regret and longing for what might have been, there is also unmistakable happiness for what simply was - in my heart alone, impeded though it was, along with what played on in the shared world.
'Cause after all, I'll see you sometime maybe... when I can't recall how you drove me crazy...
Whether I've been in or out of closets, relationships, school, states of the mind and the union, there's been frustration and friction - both good and bad. Its the stuff of relationships I suppose; even though, technically, I've never had officially had a boyfriend. Of course, they were more than just lovers, to be sure.
And then I see them again, or are reminded of them, and all comes back. Or at least, as much as I want to delve into - which is usually all of it. I do and I don't forget, and I remember and do not remember, against all reason and pain and joy.
Forget about it. When forever's over, I won't remember how much I loved you anymore.
I remember Scott's confidence and look-but-don't-touch sexuality. I remember gradually watching the boys at my school transform into incredibly amazing and sexual men, and the way I had to control all the nuclear reactions inside of me, lest fallout poison everything. I remember the way I confused agape with love when it came to Garin... and for that matter, with Chad too.
I remember my 'valiant efforts' with girls and how easily naive I could be to their true feelings and desires. I remember loving Roxanne so much as a kindred soul that I made out with her quite well and wondered, to both hope and fear and world-shattering, if I could love her fully.
I remember the boys I looked up to in school, who were kind to me, and how even if it was only on an ethereal level, they came to me and comforted me when my soul was in the greatest pain of my life
I remember the first boy I got butterflies for who could give them back, even if I forget his name
All - me included - have of course, 'moved on'.
Forget about it. Put me out of your head. Now that you're free and easy out there on the town
Andy's strong, jovial, fervent, no-holds barred, honest lifestyle, demeanor and sexuality. The caculated, cold, logical way I weighed options to decided to tell him off. The way everything afterwards combined to show me how wrong I was, even while refusing another chance.
Baruch's inability to feel for me what I felt for him; compounded with my refusal to let go and his weakness for allowing himself to be convinced by me. And of course, the way space and time could vanish and he could be the axis of my world when I was in his arms. Amazing kisses, and his frame pressed against me, and other things I'd have to lock the entry to tell you about.
Forget about it. When you're lying in bed just wishing I was there to lay you down...
Alison, who are you and I kidding? We're the ones with the problematic memories.
I'll forget about those starry nights; Laying by the fireside holding you tight - I can't remember when I felt so right...So just forget about it
Not a chance. And honestly, I probably wouldn't have it any other way.
Forget about itI'm admittin' I was wrong
And I'll just take what's mine
And walk right out the door
Forget about it
I'll split and I'll be gone
And you'll have memories
You'll find hard to ignore
'Cause after all
I'll see you sometime maybe
when I can't recall
How you drove me crazy
Forget about it
When forever's over
I won't remember how much
I loved you anymore
Forget about it
Put me out of your head
Now that you're free and easy
Out there on the town
Forget about it
When you're lying in bed just wishing
I was there to lay you down
'Cause after all
I'll see you sometime maybe
When you will recall
How I drove you crazy
I'll forget about those starry nights
Laying by the fireside
Holding you tight
I can't remember when I felt so right
So just forget about it
Forget about it
When you see me on the street
Don't wink, don't wave
Don't try to tease me with your smile
Forget about it
If we chance to meet somewhere
Don't think it's cause I'm trying to reconcile
'Cause after all
I see you sometime maybe
When I can't recall
How you drove me crazy
I'll forget about those starry nights
Laying by the fireside
Holding you tight
I can't remember when I felt so right
So just forget about it...
"Details in the Fabric" - May 31, 2009
Not So Quick Questions - April 6, 2009
The Morning Stars - Lords of the 15 - April 9, 2009
Sincerity and Faith in Magic - April 10, 2009
Not So Quick Questions (2) - April 14, 2009
|
CURRENT MOON moon phase |
