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Diaryland
Past Lives (4) September 11, 2007 @ 6:00 pm
I find myself staring at my reflection in the back of a spoon wondering what is wrong with me and my life, why can't I find something I'm good at doing, where is it that I am going, and most of all, why doesn't anything I do seem to work out for me.
I've been down so many roads it's difficult to count them. I've tried being a carpenter, but everything I built was either lop sided or broke when someone used it. Alas I'm no carpenter.
I've tried to manage sheep, OK who can manage sheep, they all have minds of their own and follow each other around, getting them to do what I wanted, well that's just plain impossible. Dumb dog won't even listen, runs around the sheep coaxing them to go completely opposite of where I wanted to go, or was it just me, not a clue of knowing what I was doing.
Let's not even talk about the attempt to become a sailor. What's a bosen anyways? And how does one be a bosen's mate? Why can't they call it the front or back. What does Yaw really mean anyways? Seems to me the boat was tipping over, how do you watch out for that?
Ok, this has nothing to do with my intelligence, I'm a smart guy, or somewhat smart for 17. There has to be something I can do that will get me somewhere in life. I have no ties to this place anymore, with Papa gone and who knows where my mother went when I was 2, for all I know I never had a mother. I just showed up and was cared for by Papa. Too bad I can't bake, that would have been something to do, like Papa. But all I ever did, when I tried to help him was burn things, and myself, til finally he threw me out, yelling that I was infernally useless. Now I'm beginning to think he may have had something.
I'll try farming, after breakfast I'll go up to the Graces farm and see if there might be something they will hire me to do. I hate the smell of cows, pigs, and who can stand all that cackling. Forget it, I'm no farmer.
Anthony Touttloe will find something to do, become good at doing and succeed in life, or be a bum. Now that sounds like an idea. I could hop a freight see the world, and bum around until something I try works out!
Alright! I'll do it! See, all it takes is a little thought. I'll grab some bread, cheese, some apples, a spare blanket and I'm on my way. Good bye Castrio street, hello world.
Well, this is all that came to me from the energies in your post, I'm not sure if it answers any of your issues, but seems to me in this life you may have been a little depressed. I don't even know where you were or when this was, just seems I got thoughts that were running through your head at the time. No description of what you looked like, but I suppose you made something of yourself eventually, and had some lessons learned, if you followed through on becoming a bum, or a tramp. Where ever it was you were staring at your spoon, smelled very much like a bakery, freshly baked bread is still in my nostrals, so maybe you were just daydreaming and did follow in your Papa's footsteps after all.
blessings,
Numina
***
Thanks for your help Numina. Everything makes sense, but in a way it just leaves me more perplexed. Did I end up leaving? Was I successful as a vagrant? Did I ever find a vocation that suited me? I can tell you that being useless has always been my number one fear. Sometimes I even feel like I'm wasting God's time. For the last few months, I have had fantasies slowly developing into actual plans to just throw on a backpack and live on the go. Mageling said that I had a couple different lives as a drifter and traveller - everything fits. I found a Toutloe family in late 19th century England through google. Also did a tarot reading but the results were confusing and somewhat scary - it seems I was exposed to some kind of horrific situation - perhaps the first World War. Anyway, thanks again, and if anything else pops up, let me know.
David
***
David, I think you pretty much were just day dreaming at that time I picked up on, and you were baking, or working in a bakery. If you did actually become a person on the road, perhaps that road took you into the first World War, that would definately meet the horrific situation you picked up on. As for picking anything else up, I will give you everything that comes to me in passing off the energies I get from your posts, or if we meet in a chat in which readings are being shared. I do pick up clearer, usually on things in chat situations better than I do on the board experience. My personal feelings on your situation in that life, were that you did become something more than just a bum around person, and were useful to many in that life. In fact if it weren't for you, some people would have perished, so the War theory, could be where you were in the right place at the right time. A difficult situation bringing out the hero in you at the time.
I appreciate you letting me know how you felt about the reading, and am glad you looked up the name, which was difficult to spell, LOL.
blessings
Numina
"Details in the Fabric" - May 31, 2009
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Not So Quick Questions (2) - April 14, 2009
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