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Diaryland
Two of Pentacles February 11, 2008 @ 11:42 p.m.
Why am I always trying to juggle five things at once?
I mean seriously, what is my issue? Do I really think that I can handle all of this on my own?
Yes. On some level, I do.
Its really weird how I can go through so much of life beating myself up and trying to break myself down - maybe following the leads of others on that. But I think the reason that I do it so often is not so much because its true, but because its very, very wrong.
To tell you how competant I am - how smart how capable - feels almost like I lie because the truth of it can be scary. It borders on arrogance and ego, distiguished only by the luster of truth that comes with simply acknowledging who you are, where you have come from, and where you are going. I see what I am capable of, and it scares me. I'm capable of amazing and terrible things. I have a lot of my Maker in me.
Don't believe me? Take the time to get to know me. Learn about my past accomplishments and failures. More importantly, learn WHY I failed at so many things. A lot of it, if not most of it, was a conscious self-sabotage.
"Hi, my name is David, and I'm an extremist"
"Hi David"
Seriously, the lengths I can go to scare me. My ability to discern the sincerity and truth that lingers in even the most poisonous philosophies leads me to the inescapable conclusion that I am, in fact, all too susceptible to fanaticism. I've been to those places before. I can pinpoint them with clarity and celerity; tell you the precise points in my life where I could have walked down a very different road of destiny; could have become the very people I fight against now, and have fought against for most of my life.
Where's the fun in that?
I'm boxing, and all I have to do is switch the lighting, change the angle, and I'm the other person. Do you know how frustrating it is to find meaning in life when you can see the meaning and specialness in DAMN NEAR EVERYTHING?! How can you find your own way when you're so vulnerable to being swept up into the ways of others?
I'm juggling, and I'm not doing a very good job at it. Straddling this yoga ball, trying to do one of those crazy coordination and dexterity exercises that Sensei dreams up in his spare time. Heck, I could come up with them too. He only pisses me off because he's so god-damned similar to me.
Be flexible. That's what I tell myself. And then inevitably, it turns into the kind of flexibility demanded of a Cirque-du-Soleil contortionist. Because I'm constantly trying to rewire myself. Twisting and turning and bending and folding and integrating and coagulating and complicating things so much I could explode.
It felt like I had to. It felt like there was no choice. It felt like that was the only right thing to do. The only thing that saves me now from it is the writing of these words, and the realization that follows.
I really ought to do this more often.
"Details in the Fabric" - May 31, 2009
Not So Quick Questions - April 6, 2009
The Morning Stars - Lords of the 15 - April 9, 2009
Sincerity and Faith in Magic - April 10, 2009
Not So Quick Questions (2) - April 14, 2009
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